You’ve been there.
Someone you care about—maybe a long-time member, a volunteer who used to be all-in, or even a staff person—looks at you and says the words that make your stomach drop:
“I’ve been thinking about leaving.”
In that moment your brain starts sprinting.
Defend the church. Fix their feelings. Remind them how much the body needs them. Quote a verse. Smile bigger. Panic quieter.
Most of us were never trained for this conversation. We were trained to keep people in the building. So the first 60 seconds often become a scramble to keep them from walking out the door.
Here’s the hard truth: those first 60 seconds usually decide whether the person feels safe enough to stay in the conversation—or whether they shut down and leave for good.
Let’s talk about what to do (and not do) in that window.
1. Your First Instinct Is Probably Wrong
The moment the words leave their mouth, almost every leader feels the same surge:
“I need to make this better. Fast.”
That instinct is understandable. It is also dangerous.
When we rush to defend, explain, or reframe, we accidentally communicate:
“Your pain is a problem I need to solve so we can get back to normal.”
James 1:19 cuts straight through that urge: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Quick to listen.
Not quick to fix.
Not quick to protect the reputation of the church.
Not quick to make yourself feel less rejected.
In the first 60 seconds, the goal is not to keep them.
The goal is to not lose them in the conversation itself.
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2. The First Words Out of Your Mouth Matter Most
People who are thinking about leaving are already bracing for one of two responses: guilt or a sales pitch. So the first sentence has to do the opposite of both.
Try something as simple as:
“Thank you for telling me. That took courage.”
Or:
“I’m really glad you trusted me with this.”
Those two sentences do three things at once:
They honor the risk they just took.
They lower the temperature.
They buy you time to actually listen instead of react.
Proverbs 15:1 is still true:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
A gentle first sentence is not weakness. It is wisdom.
3. What Not to Say (Even If It Feels Loving)
Here are the phrases that sound caring in our heads but often land like a brick:
- “But the church needs people like you.”
- “Have you prayed about this?”
- “We’re family—you can’t just leave family.”
- “I know how you feel… but…”
- “Let’s schedule a meeting with the elders so we can work this out.”
Most of these are attempts to pull them back in.
They hear them as pressure.
Proverbs 18:13 is blunt:
“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”
If your first response is any version of “but,” you have already answered before listening.
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4. What to Say Instead
Keep it short. Keep it open. Keep the focus on them.
Helpful first-60-second phrases:
- “I want to understand. Can you tell me more about what’s been going on?”
- “That sounds heavy. How long have you been carrying this?”
- “I’m not here to talk you out of anything. I just want to hear you.”
- “Thank you for being honest with me. I’m listening.”
Notice none of these defend the church.
None of them require them to stay.
None of them put the burden back on their shoulders to make you feel better.
Romans 12:15 gives us the posture:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
In this moment, they are mourning something—connection, hope, belonging, energy, joy.
Your job in the first minute is simply to mourn with them.
5. Create Space for Them to Keep Talking
After your first response, the most powerful thing you can do is stay quiet a little longer than feels comfortable.
Most people who are considering leaving have already rehearsed the conversation in their heads. They expect interruption. They expect a defense. When you don’t give them either, something often shifts.
They may say more than they planned.
They may name the real issue for the first time.
They may even start to cry because someone finally made room for the weight they’ve been carrying.
This is not the time to introduce solutions, new ministries, or the 6 Unquittable Actions.
That comes later—if they want it.
Right now the assignment is simpler:
Be a safe person in an unsafe moment.
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6. After the First 60 Seconds
Once the immediate conversation has room to breathe, you can begin to explore what is actually underneath the desire to leave—brokenness, burnout, or boredom.
That longer work is where the 6 Unquittable Actions become helpful.
But they are not first-aid.
They are the recovery plan.
In the first 60 seconds, you are not trying to implement a framework.
You are simply refusing to make the wound worse.
If this conversation has already happened (or is coming soon) and you feel the weight of it, you don’t have to figure out the next steps alone.
You can take the free Unquittable Pulse assessment at UnquittableChurch.com.
It helps leaders see more clearly what people are actually carrying—and what kind of care might actually help.
Or, if you want guided help walking through these hard conversations with your team, the Leadership Workshop is built for exactly that.
You’re not failing because someone is thinking about leaving.
You’re leading in a broken world with limited capacity and real people.
Start with the first 60 seconds.
Listen longer than you want to.
Speak gentler than feels natural.
The rest can wait.
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